Like most
parents, I think my son is wonderful.
He’s two, so life with him isn’t always wonderful. Actually, it can be down right frustrating,
but the little person he is, is wonderful.
He loves to dance, laugh, snuggle, read books, chase the dog, run around
in circles, make farm animal noises, pretend to be a dinosaur, splash in the
bath, give his stuffed animals kisses…he’s wonderful.
Unlike
most parents, I have known my son for only four months (he has been living with
us for almost three months).
Like most
new parents, my husband and I have been showered with cards, toys, games,
clothes, hand-me-downs, gift-cards, and general excited well wishes.
Unlike
most new parents, my son did not gestate to full term in my body, nor did I
give birth to him (natural or otherwise).
Most
people I have encountered in the brief time I have become a mom, have been very
excited and supportive. Most people
share their excitement through hugs, laughter, and yes, tears (of joy). I truly believe that all who have shared
their joy and excitement have meant well in their jubilation, however there is
one expression I have heard several times from well-intentioned individuals
that has given me pause: “That was the easiest labor and delivery you ever
had.”
Please
know that the people who have said this phrase to me are wonderful people and I
love them…but I don’t think they thought through their words before sharing in
their excitement (which we are all apt to do).
It is
true, I did not carry my son to term, I did not go through pregnancy with all
its pain that accompanies its joy, my water did not break, and I did not go
through hours upon hours of labor…I did not plan a caesarian birth, a water
birth, a home birth, or a natural birth…I did not have complications with
delivery, end up with an emergency C-section, a premature baby, massive
tearing, or infection/illness following delivery…for the record all that shit
scares me out of my wits, which is one of the reasons why we chose to adopt.
However,
was it an easy labor and delivery?
Ok, so I
didn’t go through all the pain and more that I mentioned above, but my husband
and I had to attend classes, we had to submit our financial information, we had
to divulge all sorts of personal information, we had to have medical evaluations, we had to get background checks and fingerprints, we had interviews, and we had to
have a home inspection…all prior to being told we were fit to be parents. (I am not resentful about this process. I fully understand it is place to protect the
children that will be placed with prospective parents.) However, was it easy and pain free? Absolutely not. Was it exhausting and very invasive? Most definitely.
So, my
labor was not easy…it was filled with more pain and heartache than anyone who
has never done will never fully understand.
But
there’s more…
Again, I
reiterate that I have never given birth to a biological child, but my
understanding from most women I have talked to about childbirth is that, though
it is a pain beyond pain, it is also a pain that fades when a mother sees her
child. However, I have and will carry in
my heart a pain for my son that is so deep, so immense, there is nothing that
will make it go away, ever.
It is the
pain of knowing his past, as short as it was, before he was placed with us. It is
the pain of knowing there is nothing I can do to change his past. It is the pain of knowing that at his most
vulnerable, he was not taken care of. It
is a vast and immeasurable pain that I will forever carry in my heart for my
son.
My guess
is that most women who have given birth to their children do not meditate
regularly on the physical pain of childbirth.
I, on the other hand, will forever carry a heartache that will continue
to stab me with pain throughout my son’s life.
This does
not mean that I dwell on my heartache everyday (although it certainly catches
up with me at random and unforeseen times), it also doesn’t eclipse the joy in
my heart that I feel for my son on a pretty continuous basis. I am well aware that, like the pain
childbirth, the pain in my heart will lessen over time, but I am also aware, it
will never fully go away and will be with me always.
So, was
it an easy labor and delivery? No, not
at all.
